I once wrote a blog about who Eleanor was and what she meant to me. To those who've not read my blog, Eleanor is a hallucination I have of a baby girl. I have one daughter who is 20 yrs old and going to college. I have bipolar disorder and severe depression along with anxiety disorder. I have hallucinations that are auditorial and visual. They occur frequently when I'm stressed or not feeling well. The hallucination that I'm having of Eleanor is that she is crying unconsolibly and without stop.There are a few periods of whimpers, but then it starts back up again. This has been going on since Thursday. I've not been sleeping particularly well and it is wearing me out. Brian continues to sleep regardless of me tiptoeing around at night. I feel pinned in and captured. I'm worried about my daughter who is having some issues of her own and about finances here. My boyfriend and I are living off of my income and that's just not enough to make ends meet. He's not pushing things to find a job and I'm frustrated with him because of that. I grew up believing that you had to work hard and if you lost your job or had to do something different you went after it without stop. Relentless attempts would pay off and you'd find a job that would last til you found something else. I have faith in him and know something will come up, but until then, I'm frustrated and ill about it.
So Eleanor's singing a song of sorrow, fear, and worry. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm going off of my rocker. I know this isn't healthy and I can't seem to find a solution to it. The bible is helpful and calming, but I can't read it constantly. Praying takes your mind off things for a little while, but the problem is still there. If you are reading this and know a solution or have an idea or even better, have a job available for Brian, let me know. I'm beginning to cry too and it's getting to me. Help me, please.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Thoughts to think about...
Some thoughts have occurred to me about my writing. I write articles for yahoo and for hubpages and some of my writings get published and some don't. I surprises me when they don't get published, because I find articles similar to what I write and compare. Maybe there are just too many of those types and the editors want something different. I don't know. Anyway...I just wrote an article on "love on a budget" for yahoo and hope it gets published. I put a lot of thought into it and made it personal as well. These articles can be found at this website. http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/1555710/estere_ramsey.html and at http://ladyestere.hubpages.com/
You can check them out and let me know what you think. I'm still learning about writing for the net and making these writings interesting.
I had thoughts today that puzzled me. My boyfriend and I briefly talked about getting married and what we would like to do. I know that doesn't sound mysterious or puzzling, but I've been thinking about it for a while and we are just now talking about it. We had planned on getting married a couple of years ago and things between us hadn't worked out at the time. Now things are different and I can't imagine life without him. He loves me, cares for me, and shows interest in me. I love him and care for him as well as show interest in the things he does. I've asked him before about getting married and have been brushed off, but now there's a little interest on his part. I like that and wish that we could move along with it. But there's some matters that need to be taken care of first. These are things like him getting a job, and being able to afford a wedding that we want. Also he wants to be rid of some financial obligations. These make sense, but I want the wedding and to be finally legally together since we are living as though we are together. I know this would make some of my family happy to accept him better as well as show he's making an effort in supporting me. Not too much to ask for I guess. Anyhow, I've laid out some of my thoughts and feel a little better about it. Probably going to think about it til it becomes a pile of mush, but that's how I am. I tend to overthink things that get on my mind. Think about what I've said and get back to me....I do read comments.
You can check them out and let me know what you think. I'm still learning about writing for the net and making these writings interesting.
I had thoughts today that puzzled me. My boyfriend and I briefly talked about getting married and what we would like to do. I know that doesn't sound mysterious or puzzling, but I've been thinking about it for a while and we are just now talking about it. We had planned on getting married a couple of years ago and things between us hadn't worked out at the time. Now things are different and I can't imagine life without him. He loves me, cares for me, and shows interest in me. I love him and care for him as well as show interest in the things he does. I've asked him before about getting married and have been brushed off, but now there's a little interest on his part. I like that and wish that we could move along with it. But there's some matters that need to be taken care of first. These are things like him getting a job, and being able to afford a wedding that we want. Also he wants to be rid of some financial obligations. These make sense, but I want the wedding and to be finally legally together since we are living as though we are together. I know this would make some of my family happy to accept him better as well as show he's making an effort in supporting me. Not too much to ask for I guess. Anyhow, I've laid out some of my thoughts and feel a little better about it. Probably going to think about it til it becomes a pile of mush, but that's how I am. I tend to overthink things that get on my mind. Think about what I've said and get back to me....I do read comments.
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