Bipolar episodes

I think I'm going through a Bipolar Episode of Depression. I am either sleeping too little or too much. My eating is off. No eating when I should because of it. I feel lonely though I'm not alone. I don't know how to approach this period of depression, because it's different. I want to shut myself off, yet I want company. I miss my family. I feel so uninvolved from them because everyone is so far away. What would I do if I moved states? Gosh! This isn't good.

I should tell my counselor that I'm having problems. I think she's going through some stuff herself right now, so I don't know if she can help me. My boyfriend isn't doing so hot right now. I can feel him withdrawing from people. I can't let this happen, so how do I stop  it? I can write about it and see if that helps, but I won't get the feedback I need to self heal.

What do I do to help my boyfriend? I know he's going through some stuff and I can give him hugs and stuff and try to meet his needs. But what am I doing for him? I'm clueless.  I need to get some outside help. He's working for a couple of days this week. That should help him some. Will it be enough though. Do I ignore what I'm going through and try to help him? Try to do both? Will that make me crash? I can't crash! I don't want to! It will make me more sick if I wait. What to do?
Dear Father, help me heal....help me with Brian too. Whatever is needed. Thank you. Amen.

Sleepless in the South

Here it is 3 am and I can't sleep. Will probably in an hour or so. Haven't felt like myself lately. Worrying about things like bills, having money to make it through the month, how Anna is going to make things work for herself, school for her, job and school for Brian, and what to do with myself. Brian is trying so hard to get a job and following all the instructions to getting jobs, just nothing is panning out. He still tries to make me smile.

I want to do what's right, get bills paid, find something to occupy my time, earn a little extra money to subsidize projects and needs. Right now I can't even go to the doctor, because I don't have the money nor anyone to borrow from. I don't want to borrow money. I feel embarrassed if I can't pay it back. Is this what my world has become?

It wasn't all that long ago, when I taught art in a school and was able to take care of my daughter and me. I could buy the foods we wanted, have gas money as needed, pay my bills, and do things with friends because we could afford it. Now I can't do that. I pay immediate bills, I buy only the foods we absolutely need, I scrounge for gas money to get to places, and I can't enjoy going out, because we can't afford it.

I'm painting, weaving, and working on other projects to make a little extra money. I've been writing articles for yahoo and hubpages to add a little money. Just doesn't seem enough. My counselor is making suggestions for me to try that should help. I'm just not making enough items to  sell right now. It's hit or miss...somethings are slow while others are kind of quick.

Well, going to try to sleep. It's going for 4, and I need some rest. Everyone will be dancing circles around me if I don't. Ta ta for now.

Eleanor Sings Again

I once wrote a blog about who Eleanor was and what she meant to me. To those who've not read my blog, Eleanor is a hallucination I have of a baby girl. I have one daughter who is 20 yrs old and going to college. I have bipolar disorder and severe depression along with anxiety disorder. I have hallucinations that are auditorial and visual. They occur frequently when I'm stressed or not feeling well. The hallucination that I'm having of Eleanor is that she is crying unconsolibly and without stop.There are a few periods of whimpers, but then it starts back up again. This has been going on since Thursday. I've not been sleeping particularly well and it is wearing me out. Brian continues to sleep regardless of me tiptoeing around at night. I feel pinned in and captured. I'm worried about my daughter who is having some issues of her own and about finances here. My boyfriend and I are living off of my income and that's just not enough to make ends meet. He's not pushing things to find a job and I'm frustrated with him because of that. I grew up believing that you had to work hard and if you lost your job or had to do something different you went after it without stop. Relentless attempts would pay off and you'd find a job that would last til you found something else. I have faith in him and know something will come up, but until then, I'm frustrated and ill about it.
So Eleanor's singing a song of sorrow, fear, and worry. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm going off of my rocker. I know this isn't healthy and I can't seem to find a solution to it. The bible is helpful and calming, but I can't read it constantly. Praying takes your mind off things for a little while, but the problem is still there. If you are reading this and know a solution or have an idea or even better, have a job available for Brian, let me know. I'm beginning to cry too and it's getting to me. Help me, please.

Thoughts to think about...

Some thoughts have occurred to me about my writing. I write articles for yahoo and for hubpages and some of my writings get published and some don't. I surprises me when they don't get published, because I find articles similar to what I write and compare. Maybe there are just too many of those types and the editors want something different. I don't know. Anyway...I just wrote an article on "love on a budget" for yahoo and hope it gets published. I put a lot of thought into it and made it personal as well. These articles can be found at this website. http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/1555710/estere_ramsey.html and at http://ladyestere.hubpages.com/ 
You can check them out and let me know what you think. I'm still learning about writing for the net and making these writings interesting.
I had thoughts today that puzzled me. My boyfriend and I briefly talked about getting married and what we would like to do. I know that doesn't sound mysterious or puzzling, but I've been thinking about it for a while and we are just now talking about it. We had planned on getting married a couple of years ago and things between us hadn't worked out at the time. Now things are different and I can't imagine life without him. He loves me, cares for me, and shows interest in me. I love him and care for him as well as show interest in the things he does. I've asked him before about getting married and have been brushed off, but now there's a little interest on his part. I like that and wish that we could move along with it. But there's some matters that need to be taken care of first. These are things like him getting a job, and being able to afford a wedding that we want. Also he wants to be rid of some financial obligations.  These make sense, but I want the wedding and to be finally legally together since we are living as though we are together. I know this would make some of my family happy to accept him better as well as show he's making an effort in supporting me.  Not too much to ask for I guess. Anyhow, I've laid out some of my thoughts and feel a little better about it. Probably going to think about it til it becomes a pile of mush, but that's how I am. I tend to overthink things that get on my mind. Think about what I've said and get back to me....I do read comments.

Pet Stores

I went to the new Petco store in Greenwood, SC having only been in one before and I was impressed. We were looking at the different dog foods they had looking at the senior formulas as Brandie is getting up there. She's nine and getting grumpy somewhat. So as we were looking, one of the salespeople came up and asked if we were looking for something in particular. We told her that we were looking for something for our older dog and she points out several not overly priced options. She told us that she had just gotten back from a work shop on pet foods and learned a lot about what they offered. What they had didn't have corn or by products. Which is good, but usually way out of price range for us, not that Brandie eats a lot. She said she had some samples of one of the good ones...than had lamb, turkey, and duck, along with vegatables too. That sounded really good. She took us up front and instead of just giving us one small sample bag, she stuffed a grocery bag of the samples she had. I was shocked, but thinking "wow, this is really nice. I guess I'll be coming in here more often."  The store also had gourmet doggie treats that you could mix and match for $5 for a pound. A little expensive, but something I could work with. Like I said Brandie doesn't eat a lot, though she loves her treats. Don't get me wrong, I still love Petsmart, but now I've got a new pet store that may meet my baby's need a little more. PS...I saw my future bird in there too. So YaY!

Another birthday! Celebrated with Brian, daughter-Arianna with her boyfriend-Curtis. We ate at Prime steakhouse in Aiken. The food was delicious, even took some home. It was wonderful. I'm glad to have been given a chance to see Anna. I miss her so much. She's taken up some unfortunate habits of smoking and drinking. It astounds me how some one who is an asthmatic will do this to themself and then with alcoholism in both parts of her families do what she does. I just pray she'll grow out of it and do so without the punishments that come as a price for said activities. I will admit that I  had one drink after dinner and that was enough for me. I love my daughter very much and trust her to be responsible for herself and her decisions. It takes a lot of prayers to ease a mom's heart.
Anyway, the birthday was nice and very much enjoyed. Anna was a perfect angel. Brian was loving and attentive as usual. I got to meet Anna's boyfriend. He was nice. Reminded me of Anna's father...just hope that he doesn't take on some of his traits. There was a reason for divorce. He can't have children, so that makes me wonder if this will be a long term relationship with Anna knowing she has always wanted to have her own children to raise. We shall see. I shall pray about this as well. Maybe some wise counsel will come to me, 

Cheesy World Dominations

      Wouldn't it be nice if you could dominate the world and say this is how it's going to be? What would you do? I'd make the world get rid of nuclear weapons on all sides of the world. And then state that there was to be no more technology with nuclear weapons. People would get angry and threaten me, I'm sure. To insure that no one went against me, I would personally melt down each and every bomb, missile, or thing that was a nuclear weapon. No one could have one...not America, Russia, Japan, China, or Korea. They would have to get along or come up with giant size nerf missiles to play war games.
      Next I would focus energy on food for everyone. It seems there are starving people in all countries, including the big countries. Countries that can produce some kind of food would have to do that on a bigger scale without depleating resources. Food would have to be provided for free in schools for all children and for ones that are too young to go to school. Food would be provided for free for older adults.  People who are between the the age of 18 to 60 would have to work to provide the food for everyone in some way from farming to producing and to giving out portions to everyone.
      Then there would be health issues. Everyone would be provided health insurance, medications at low costs, and services at low cost. That way everybody would get the health care they needed adfordably. Everyone would have preventative care to help prolong life. People would have children and children would have responsibilities to the parents. They would have school and chores at home.  
      There would be other things that would be done to make life better. Like a better Christian learning and following of Christ. But overall....life would be good to live. What do you think?